so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
