I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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