just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
