so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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