God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
