Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
