Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
