Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
that may or may not have been my penis.
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