he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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