I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
