Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
