piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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