Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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