i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
