Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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