Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
that may or may not have been my penis.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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