Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Welp...herpes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
