he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
