you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
