this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
