haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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