I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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