I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
