My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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