We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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