she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
