My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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