we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
