Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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