I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
