I wish my penis had an off switch
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I love you. Go after that dick
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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