I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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