i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
