You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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