I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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