So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
