the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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