I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
