i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
