I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
