so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
