I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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