She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
