the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
