Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
