"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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