Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
