Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My breasts were aching with rage.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
