I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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