i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
